Super Bowl Sets Viewing Record, One Kid Is Too Cool To Watch


This Sunday, a record 111.3 million people witnessed a very intense Super Bowl between the New York Giants and New England Patriots. It was the hype of the winter season, and that is an understatement. The big game was followed by constant analysis from both fans and spectators, which will continue for weeks. A recent tweet by John Madden has created a massive buzz among football fans which said: "If the Patriots would have converted on their last touchdown attempt, they would have won the game." Still, despite the excitement of the game, and all of the attention surrounding it, not everybody was deeply involved in the Super Bowl. A report shows that a teenager by the name of Brandon Holden did not involve himself in anything concerning Sunday's game because, according to him, football is "lame."

"I hate football." Brandon said. "I was invited to a Super Bowl party, and I was like…heck no, football sucks. I have better things to do other than watch a football game…that's so mainstream. I am just too cool for that."

Brandon described to reporters that the most important football game of the year was not even on his radar. "The only thing I did involving the Super Bowl, was to be sure that everyone knew that I hate it. I want everybody to know that I go against the grain," commented Brandon. This statement was later confirmed by people who are friends with him on Facebook. According to a fellow classmate of his, he began to outwardly show his dislike for the Super Bowl at about 5pm, where he posted as a status that said: "Super Bowl? Is that supposed to be something important?" He continued to post statuses voicing his opinion both during and after the game, such as: "Excited to do anything but watch the game!" and "I sure hope Tom Brady scores a lot of home runs tonight." Brandon's Facebook posts were a constant reminder to everybody who was not on Facebook due to the game, that he was not watching it.

"Who even won the game?" asked Brandon. "I honestly have no clue….but I still don't care. I didn't even watch the game for commercials. I saw all the good ones on YouTube like a week ago. So there's no point in watching the game. I had cooler things to do."

Brandon was also sure to ask everyone at school the same question Monday so they knew that he was not interested in football, which typically got a blank stare as a response.

Brandon described how he spent his night alone after word of his Facebook posts began to surface in the media. He explained that he spent the night on his own. It consistedsbk-guitar of playing his guitar, writing lyrics to songs, and playing Call of Duty.

"I was way more productive doing these things during the Super Bowl. I learned to cover a really awesome Animal Collective song I heard the other day. I'll take that over sports on any day, and twice on a Sunday. Besides, playing guitar well takes more talent than football anyway, I honestly don't get why nobody else sees that," Brandon said in a frustrated tone. "I also got to fourth prestige in COD, so I made a lot of progress. People always say that the Super Bowl gets intense at the end, and those people have never played Search and Destroy."

Playing guitar and COD took up until midnight, which according to Brandon "is probably way past the Super Bowl's end time...I mean, I wouldn't know because I don't care about football," Brandon said as a follow up. He "doesn't know why so many people are interested in really lame stuff like the Super Bowl."

Brandon's parents were aware of his actions and thoughts, and have sought a psychologist to find out why he openly hates football, and condemns others for enjoying it. The psychologist is trying to find the root of this problem, but has not had any success so far "This is America, you're not supposed to not like football. I cannot explain this phenomenon…it is like nothing I have ever seen. Based on research I have already done, he does not seem to be anti-American. He did not express any negative opinions when shown pictures of the American flag, Washington DC, Uncle Sam, or fast food restaurants. However, my research has only commenced, and I may find some substantial information in the future," explained Brandon's new psychologist.

The psychologist is also researching if his constantly expressed dislike of football is correlated to sitting alone during school lunch.

Written by Sean McDonnell

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