A Guys Rant: New Music For Summer 2013

A Guys Rant: New Music For Summer 2013

Subtitle: Two Essential Non-Essential Essential Summer Jams

Everyone has a summer jam playlist and I dare not tread on whatever Beach Boys/Phish/Slightly Stoopid mix you got going on. Rather, I'd like to encourage some good spirited debate (unless you disagree with me on any point whatsoever). Here are two could-be summer jamboxes all of which have their individual failings which you might nitpick if the skin atop your scalp wasn't literally peeling away from itself. Look out, that plank on the deck is loose. Yeah, the one next to the dude vomiting Sangria on his flip-flops. First up:

"Fed's Watching"- 2 Chainz Featuring Pharrell - This beat is summer. Sort of an updated version of "Big Pimpin" (don't check me if you know anything about music/inclined to check things) I must give propers to fellow contributor T-Pru for reminding me of this quintessential summer song. Why a summer song? Because it's absurd. It is pleasing upon the first spin before it begins to burn, peel, and irritate.

Notable: 1:28 "I'ma be fresh as hell if the Fed's watching." This is the entire conceit of this song. Essentially - I am going look as good as possible given that federal officials are watching me, because they suspect that I may be involved in serious crimes so much so that they have deployed a surveillance unit just for me. Heavy stuff.

This 2 Chainz joint is an onion that refuses to stop unpeeling. Okay, if anyone is watching, in general, one would want to look as good as possible. However wouldn't a person who is not directly refuting their status as a criminal want to appear as inconspicuous as possible? In other words. say this person wanted to continue whatever criminal activity: Wouldn't they want to look as if they were not reaping the benefits of said criminal enterprise? Thus, perhaps, not appearing as "fresh as hell?" Just a Q looking for an A.

"Trying to be Cool" - Phoenix - I want to hate Phoenix so badly for so very many trivial reasons. Topping the list are the fact that they are French (I think). I don't hate the French. I respect their tenacity; cigarettes omnipresent, unclear political structure, body hair on the rise as deodorant sales dip. I respect it. What don't like is French ex-pats posing as either dopey-chic Americans or hyper-aware Londoners. Which, to me, in the space of my brain I've dedicated to hating bands (I'm aware of you The Muse) is a line that Phoenix seems to be treading.

Yet, if "Trying to be Cool" doesn't spark either immediate hatred or foot tapping dopamine inducing euphoria in the ears of any listener, then something died inside of you a long time ago. Perhaps consider consulting your dad as to why he had to miss all those t-ball games. With his "work friend" named "Susan" who you suspect has been filling out your birthday cards for the past three years.

Notable: 2:04 "Tell him that you want me. Tell him that you want me. Cool. Just trying to be cool" The rest of the song is synth-heavy pleas to "Tell me that you want me." However, two thirds of the way through the song Frenchie makes it very clear that he intends to steal your girlfriend, only not directly - he's instructing her to explain to you that he (Frenchie) wants your broad, only in a non-aggressive manner (he's just trying to be cool. What are you? Not cool? You don't want share your chick? Whaddya some kinda square?).

So play this song for your girlfriend and then sing over the last half optimally with trivia about how badly the French got run over in the Great Wars and how much you like to bathe.

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Written By Frank Babies

Frank Babies

Frank's into cagefighting and postmodern literature. Music is good. He's here to help you help him. Build the Machine.