Hillbilly America: Santa's Wise Men

 Hillbilly America: Santa's Wise Men

Over the past few years that my kids have been in school, I have learned many things from other parents in the lobby while we are all waiting for the bell to ring, releasing the herd of small sprinting children from their classrooms. I've learned:

  • The proper attire to don when picking up your elementary aged kid(s) in warm weather is a tube top, daisy dukes, and 6-inch wedge heel sandals. That's the outfit of choice, but it looks best if you are at least 40 pounds overweight and pushing a stroller. 
  • When it's cold, be sure to rock a black sports bra, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. flannel pajama pants, and a black leather jacket with the fringie thingies and a giant rose embroidered on the back.
  • The cool way to exit the elementary school parking lot - by squealing tire, of course.  The coolness factor is increased if you are in a truck with a sweet lift kit and a bumper sticker that says "If you are going to ride my a**, at least pull my hair."
  • If you happen to be drunk when it's time to pick the kids up from school, no one will notice you're wasted as long as you carry a chihuahua.

By far, the most notable tidbit of information I have learned is....are you ready for this?? Santa has Three Wise Men. Yeah, that's right....Santa Claus has Three Wise Men.

A few days ago, while waiting patiently in the lobby for my kids to be dismissed from school, I overheard two moms talking about Christmas, decorating, and presents. One mom, who I usually tune out because her mouth never stops moving, informed the other mom that they teach their child about the true meaning of Christmas and don't go overboard with gifts. She then added, "We only give her three presents....one representing each of Santa's wise men. It's the true meaning of Christmas that really counts, not all the presents. We think it is really important that she learns about Santa's three wise men, so we do everything in three's at Christmas time. We only put three decorations on the tree and give her three presents."

I apparently have been misinformed about the true meaning of Christmas, because the story I heard about the Three Wise Men had something to do with a star, a baby, and a manger. I guess the real story is associated with the Land of the Misfit Toys, Rudolph, and the elves. I wonder what Santa's Three Wise Men are named....Moe, Curly, and Larry?

So, in rebellion over being misled all of these years in regards to the Three Wise Men, I have been visiting nativity scenes all over Hillbilly America and Peebowing on the Three Wise Men. If you are also outraged, I encourage you to jump on the band wagon....just make sure you don't visit a live nativity scene....the dudes pretending to be the wise men don't want their cover blown.

Santa's Wisemen and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Camel

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Written By Marci


Marci is a Licensed Behavior Specialist Consultant, along with a wife, mother of 2, problem solver extraordinaire, and (of course) part-time superhero.

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