I was born, raised, and currently live in Northwestern Pennsylvania, so I am a hillbilly by default. The folks here are proud to be called rednecks…in fact, it is easy to relate to Jeff Foxworthy's “you might be a redneck if” jokes. If it isn’t true for us, it’s true for someone we know. We love our hunting, NASCAR racing, country music, and beer. Schools actually close for the first day or two of hunting season, simply because they know at least 90% of the teachers and students would not be at school; they'd be in the woods drooling and waiting for the perfect buck to appear. Then after they shoot and gut it, they throw it in the back of their pick-up truck and drive around town so everyone can envy their kill. In these parts, when you hear “nice rack,” you know they are referring to a deer’s antlers and not what you'd normally expect.
Even though I’ve been around hillbillies all my life, I am utterly intrigued by some of the bizarre behavior they exhibit…particularly by some of the people in my town. I’m talking about witnessing things that have left me absolutely speechless, which as my friends and family can tell you, is almost impossible to do. Some of the local folks embrace their inner hillbilly and take it to the next level; up the ante, if you will. Examples? Here you go. However, I am not responsible for any nightmares experienced or therapy required afterward:
- A grandma sitting on her front porch, watching her 15-year-old pregnant granddaughter make out hot and heavy with her boyfriend, who looks like he could be her relative.
- Same pregnant 15-year-old sprinting down the street, bra-less, watching to see where the ambulance was going because she was afraid her little brother “hurt his balls again.”
- A neighborhood kid stopped over to tell my husband that he was going to the grocery store with his mom as soon as she was done “taking a dump.”
- For Easter, a mom and dad got their 6-year-old son a half-dog, half-wolf mutt. Mom was 8 months pregnant at the time. Everyone knows that a wolf is the perfect family pet, especially for small children. The likelihood that a wolf would look at a newborn baby swaddled in a blanket and mistake it for a snausage is slim to none…right?? Can’t wait to see what carnivorous wild creature Santa brings!
- The dude that is a dead ringer for Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs carefully hanging his tightie-whities (some with racing stripes) on the clothesline to dry.
- Walking into Wal-Mart one day I heard a mom say to her two small children, “Please stop fighting. Daddy just got out of jail and doesn’t want to listen to you two fighting all day. Right, Daddy?”
These are only a few examples…all which left me staring, mouth hanging wide, shaking my head, and searching for words. I never did find those words by the way. I’m still baffled, yet disturbingly entertained at the same time. And since we’re not planning on moving out of the area anytime soon, I may as well embrace my inner hillbilly and enjoy the ride - even though it may be dysfunctional at times. Okay, maybe most of the time…