Hillbilly America: The 4th Of Dysfunction

Hillbilly America: The 4th Of Dysfunction

When most people think of the 4th of July, they think of things like freedom, independence, fireworks, and picnics.  I, on the other hand, think of hillbilly drama, dysfunction, and chaos, all because our neighbors moved in one year ago this week. The days and nights are filled with arguments, fierce make-out sessions, feasts of grilled hot sausage and ice cream cake, and fist-a-cuffs…..and they do it all on their front porch. It’s like the porch is their very own Jerry Springer stage and the neighborhood is their audience. Much to their surprise, the neighborhood is getting a little tired of the nonstop hillbilly dramatics and feuds. In fact, two families have since left their long time homes to escape their shenanigans.

A lot has happened over the past year. Bubba, the mischievous 9-year-old, has managed to get himself banned from every property within a 6 block radius, so he is confined to the streets and the front porch. His 17-year-old sister had a baby who has also become a porch-sitter, which is fantastic, because she sounds like a cat being dismembered when she cries. Grandma has been in and out of the hospital several times, which is surprising as she is only 300 pounds overweight, consumes a steady diet of sausage, potato chips, ice cream, and Pepsi, and lives with 4 smokers. Momma got herself a hot new hunk of a man…he is about 20 years her senior and looks like your typical friendly neighborhood creeper. He has since moved in, and makes out with momma on the front porch while grandma and Bubba hang around. When we’re really lucky, the daughter and her boyfriend/cousin join in on the action, and we get a 2 for 1 deal. Jabba the Uncle makes an occasional appearance in his PT Cruiser, and is still too large to get out of it easily.

While the neighbors are unique and annoying, no one can deny the level of entertainment we receive for free on a daily basis. Their behavior is unpredictable and keeps us on the edge of our seats waiting to see what they do next. I can only imagine what will unfold across the street in the next year, but I can guarantee it will definitely be worth watching.

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Written By Marci


Marci is a Licensed Behavior Specialist Consultant, along with a wife, mother of 2, problem solver extraordinaire, and (of course) part-time superhero.

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