Mountain Dew: The Breakfast Of Hillbilly Champions

Mountain Dew: The Breakfast of Hillbilly Champions

Marci moved to the country with her husband and children, this is her story.

Because our neighbors spend large amounts of time on their front porch, it is hard for us to not know what they are up to these days. Consequently, I couldn't help but notice that recently, the entire family graduated from drinking 20 oz. bottles of Mountain Dew to 2 liters. I can only think of a few scenarios that would justify giving an 8-year-old boy a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and permitting him to drink it all in one sitting:

  1. He has been challenged to a 100-yard a cheetah.
  2. He is trying to break the Guinness Book of World Records for most consecutive hours awake by a child.
  3. You are performing an experiment to see how much caffeine an 8-year-old must consume before his heart explodes out of his chest.

A few days ago, I saw Bubba sitting on the steps of their porch chugging a 2 liter before school. I said a small prayer for his teacher, because I was positive she was gonna need all the help she could possibly get in order to survive the day. About 10 minutes later, I glanced out and witnessed Bubba speedily running circles around a little tree in their front yard. He was like the Energizer Bunny...he just kept going, and going, and going, and going. I had to look away...he was making me dizzy.

The next time I looked out, Bubba was running circles around his mom's car. About five minutes passed, and Bubba finally stumbled and collapsed on the ground. Instead of having a normal reaction, like upchucking the entire 2 liter bottle of his newest breakfast drink, he rolled around, laughing hysterically. I have to admit, I was quite impressed that he didn't make himself sick. "Little dude is hardcore," I said to myself. Then he jumped up and darted randomly and aimlessly around the front yard, like he was the little silver ball in a pinball machine.

At this point, Mama came out with Bubba's backpack, threw it at him, and said, "Get yer a** down there to the bus stop. I ain't driving you the whole way to school." (By the way, we live about a mile from the school). Bubba jumped up, strapped on his backpack, and took off like a bolt of lightning. I know I saw smoke and flames following Bubba down the fast as he was moving, you can't convince me otherwise.

Perhaps one day, Mountain Dew will adopt the title of this article as their newest slogan. Bubba's face may even appear on their label...representin' Hillbilly America. What a proud moment that will be.

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Written By Marci


Marci is a Licensed Behavior Specialist Consultant, along with a wife, mother of 2, problem solver extraordinaire, and (of course) part-time superhero.

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