Man Rant: Five Hour Energy Commercial

Man Rant - Five Hour Energy Commercial

Man's Rant: Where the opinions contained within are those of the author Dan the Snyder, and not Bro Council.

Ah, 2013. I can't believe it's finally here. Some of us thought we wouldn't make it, but I never lost faith. The entire world is not going to come to an end any time soon, but if more people start listening to one of the worst commercials of all time, humanity's numbers just might start leveling off, or even dropping sharply.

The commercial I'm referring to, which ran primarily during the Breast Cancer Awareness Month of October but remained in heavy rotation up to the end of the year, is the one for new Five Hour Energy: Pink Lemonade. It features the bright-eyed, possibly high on several bottles of Five Hour Energy Pink Lemonade Allison Shiffler, who with her pale skin, smile, guitar and blonde hair, bears a decent resemblance to Taylor Swift. If Shiffler sang a monotonous, annoyingly catchy song about the evils of dating members of One Direction, we'd all be a lot better off. Instead, her message and advertising hook in this commercial are in fact more dangerous. If you haven't seen it, check it out:

There are two parts to the danger of this commercial, and no, I'm not talking about how irritating it is when you view it seven times during the first half of a football game. The first danger is in the product itself. The FDA has cited it in 13 deaths in the past 4 years. This is no great number, in a vacuum, when millions of these things are sold weekly. But if you ask me, and as we've all been hearing numerous times after each new American gun massacre, "one death is too many". If one is too many, thirteen is thirteen times too many, right?

Part two of the commercial is even worse, and more misleading, in my opinion. After the sweet, seemingly-good natured Shiffler gets done touting the "benefits" and so-called great taste of the product, she moves on to helpfully informing us consumers that "a portion" of money on each bottle of the totally-safe, definitely-won't-kill-you Five Hour Energy Pink Lemonade goes to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, and will help "cure" breast cancer. Oh, no. Once again, our new friend Allison is sadly mistaken.

Komen spends at most 53% of their funding looking for a cure. Therefore, a portion of your purchase goes to a portion of "curing cancer". I'm no math whiz, but this doesn't seem significant enough to me. Consider this before the commercial sways you: is ingesting a potentially lethal drink to benefit a dubious foundation really worth avoiding that 2:30 feeling?

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Written By Dan Snyder

Dan Snyder

Dan likes to listen to music (mainly 80's rock) and watch sports. Oh, and write stuff.

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