Hillbilly All-Stars: The Crime Blotter


My small town newspaper publishes all of the local police reports, which happen to be extremely entertaining at times. I can find out anything from who has written a bad check to who has been busted for a DUI…on a lawnmower, golf-cart, or bicycle, for those who want to increase the degree of difficulty while impaired. And since everybody knows everybody in a small town, having your arrest displayed in the newspaper has to be hard to handle.

Although a majority of the police reports are the typical bad check, shoplifting, or run-of-the-mill DUI, it is definitely worth reading because we hillbillies do some pretty ridiculous things. For example (and these are actual police reports):

  • Opening a can of Festival Fart Spray, spraying it all through the store and refusing to pay for it can earn you a disorderly conduct.
  • Stealing a Slim Jim and a Dr. Pepper (should have taken the Mountain Dew…it’s much better) from Wal-Mart will land you in the paper for retail theft and "poor eating habits." Poor eating habits?? Since when did poor eating habits become a crime?? Oh, yeah, since Spandex was invented.
  • An elderly woman laid the smack down on a sheriff’s deputy for trying to serve a warrant on her son for being delinquent on his child support payments. Momma bear jumped on the deputy’s back, punched him, and scratched his neck and face. Don’t mess with sonny or you’ll get the beat down of a lifetime. Here’s my question…..if you are an armed male deputy, are you really going to report that you got your butt handed to you by an old woman?? Only if you want earn your Nancy boy badge at the station.
  • A gentleman got 2 DUI’s in 3 weeks…on his lawnmower.
  • A dude set himself on fire because he was mad at his girlfriend. Say What? I've been furious and down-right livid with people, but never once thought “I’m going set myself on fire just to show them how mad I really am! They’ll never make me mad again!” As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?” And here’s the shocker…..his girlfriend broke up with him because “he’s crazy.” Ya think? What was your first clue, Sherlock?

And, my favorite…

  • A driver got pulled over because his tail lights were not working. The police officer discovered that the guy was a little drunk, and when asked where he was going, he said “home.” Only drunk dude could not exactly recall where he lived. Frustrated, he told the officer, “I live where I’m surrounded by bears and other wild animals and I eat groundhogs for breakfast.” Okay, so maybe he was a lot drunk. But he eats groundhogs for breakfast, so that makes him my Hillbilly All-Star Champion, and #1 on Punxsutawney Phil’s hit list.

So, if you want to be a Hillbilly All-Star, come to the Po-dunk capital of the world and get yo’self arrested…you just may end up in my next article.

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Written By Marci


Marci is a Licensed Behavior Specialist Consultant, along with a wife, mother of 2, problem solver extraordinaire, and (of course) part-time superhero.

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