Our writer Marci moved to the country. These are her stories about her new life, and neighbors in an article we like to call "This Week In Hillbilly America".
One valuable thing I have learned from our neighbors is how to properly settle a dispute. Conflict resolution is an art which takes years of practice, but once mastered, is beautiful and awe-inspiring. I am going to share with you the important steps you will certainly want to add to your repertoire:
- First, move to a public setting. It is best to use your front porch or yard as a stage, so others may learn from your superior conflict resolution skills. An argument held in private is simply not worth having.
- All accusations and rebuttals should be screamed at the top of your lungs so that all neighbors in a three block radius can easily hear - especially at night, or early morning. To ensure you are using the appropriate tone, pretend your opponent is on the other side of the track during a NASCAR race.
- Double negatives are a must. If you ain't using no double negatives, then your opinions ain't no good.
- Every third word, at a minimum, must be profanity.
- Once a suitable period of time has elapsed where verbal opening arguments are made, then the disagreement must evolve into realms more physical in nature. Typically, this involves a test of strength where one participant must be shirtless. While this test of strength is most often, grappling of some sort, it can also involve bare knuckle boxing or vandalism. Only an experienced participant may perform the feats of strength with a lit cigarette in his/her mouth. Also, in rare cases, this can evolve into a contest of throwing ability where each participant throws an object belonging to their opponent. Obviously, your point is better made if you actually break the object.
- At least one toddler-like tantrum is required by each participant.
- In order to properly make up and bury the hatchet, so to speak, a meal of Uncle Charley's sausage and ice cream cake will be enjoyed by all family members. On the front porch, of course.
- After the meal, one participant will drive down to the local Smokers' Outlet and purchase the cheapest pack of cigarettes. Upon return, the family will pass one "peace cigarette" around while talking and laughing loudly about their resolved conflict.
- Neighbors will be alerted that an accord has been reached when household members make out...yep, you guessed it, on the front porch...while Grandma watches. An alternate notification method would be for the family to light off fireworks, preferably late at night.
Good luck with your new-found skills!