Ask An Asian: About Those Asian Eyes



is it rude if i ask why asians have eyes like that? sinceerely,


Hey Zack,

Asking an Asian why our eyes are slanted is no more rude than me asking you why you can't spell SINCERELY.  But in the spirit of mutual understanding and goodwill, I won't ask that question...

As far as those awesome eyes most, but not all Asians have, it goes something like this (no joke, this is 100% true...)

...Back in the day when non-Asian people were busy dying from plagues and convincing each other the world was flat, Asians from Mongolia were busy taking over the world. Since Mongolia is like Canada (flat, no trees, insane wind and dust storms), any group of people who wanted to survive the harsh climate and topography had to adapt. Like a suburban black bear who lays claim to a McDonald's dumpster, the great Mongols of old, over countless generations, pulled a stunning X-Men like mutation and began adapting and conquering their harsh surroundings. In additional to gaining the power and ability to grow warm and ridiculously fashionable beards, they also began developing a protective fold of skin (aka the epicanthic fold) which extended over the upper regions of their eyes. This fold of skin served not only to make non-Asian people think they where either drowsy or sleeping, thus allowing them to sneak up on unsuspecting armies, but also protected their eyes from blowing sand, dust, ice, and spaghetti noodles (an Asian invention). While the untimely passing of Genghis Khan prematurely ended the Mongols last attempt to take over the world, those Mongoloid Asian eyes carry on to this day; a lasting tribute to the resolve and conquering spirit of Asian men everywhere.

The next time you get poked in your exposed, unprotected eye by a stick or icicle, you'll wish you were Asian.



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Written By Arthur


Arthur is pretty secretive.