Dear Bro Council,
Can commitment also scare women? I am 24, work for a successful touring band, and consider myself a stand up guy. This girl in particular comes to about a show a month, always gravitates towards me, and compliments me with the nicest genuine thoughts.
After 6 months of this pattern I decided to take her out to find out for sure. First date was a rock show. We enjoyed the night, talked, and danced. We mutually made a connection that wasn't based on sex. Her birthday came up a week later, so I contacted her to wish her a happy birthday and received no response. Which I found to be confusing and disappointing.
Erin's Take: Welcome to the confusing world that is the dating game, my friend! This is unfortunately a common pattern for men and women alike. To answer your first question, yes, women can be afraid of commitment! Although it's commonly portrayed in movies, on tv and as a social norm that men are the commitment-phobes, women can be the same way.
At 24, I definitely just wanted to have fun, didn't want a serious relationship, and wasn't even thinking about kids, but a few years later, I was ready for all of that. Enjoy being young and free, these are great years in your life where you can take risks, fly by the seat of your pants and jump on opportunities that you wouldn't normally. I can understand the desire to want a serious relationship, but often times the more you worry about it and push for it, the less likely you are to see what's really around you - and that may just be the right person for you. I realize that some people think that they need to be married at 25 or being engaged by the time they graduate from college, but that's just not the case. If you're fortunate enough to meet the right one early on in life, that's fantastic! But sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.
As far as the date and aftermath, I'm not surprised. I wouldn't recommend a concert as a first date, especially not a rock show. On a first date, you want to go somewhere comfortable where you can talk to the person and allow the evening to go where it may. I'm always a fan of dinner and then potentially drinks afterwards if things are going well, there's not a lot of pressure and you're in an environment where you don't have to scream to talk to each other. In your situation, I'm thinking that a rock show might have not made the connection that you think it did. You can only speak for yourself, you can't speak on behalf of your lady friend, so what you thought were genuine comments and a real connection not based on sex, might have been something different for her, no matter what she said. I've had more than my share of guys who just suddenly stop calling or texting for what seems like no reason and I've done the same when I feel like being nice about not being interested isn't get the point across.
If you really are interested in this girl, the worst possible thing you can do is confront her about it. If you see her at another one of your shows, I'm not saying to act like nothing happened, but also, don't pull her aside and put her on the spot - at the very least you still have a chance to be friends. Maybe she was scared about what she felt about you, maybe she didn't feel the way she thought she would, I don't know, but you also never know what the future holds, so stay cordial if you can - maybe this just wasn't the right time for the two of you.
Good luck! And let us know how it goes.
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