(Editor's Note: This is our longest question ever, but we decided to post the whole email in it's unedited glory instead of just a recap. Sit down, have a cup of coffee, and get ready to spend some time reading the question.)
Good morning.....my question is in regards to my girlfriend. I have a hard time understanding the way she justifies (these questions) - I will briefly cover some of the things that boggle my mind when she tells me these things "mean nothing".?.?.?. We are in our mid thirties and have dated for 2 1/2 years. Our problems begeien as follows: It is nearly impossible to reach her on the phone! - she always on the phone (busy signal...Beep...Beep...Beep...I HATE IT!) when I try to call and say hi, that I love her, how her day is going...etc....So my question(s) start here - why is the phone phone always buy I ask? She tells me she is on the phone with the district, well come to find out (few months later) she is on the phone with a fellow co-worker whom she had an affair with years ago when she was married (3-4 years ago) She tells me they are just friends at this point only.?.?.?. That is question number one - I'm in the dark about these calls taking place.....yes, I had heard about this guy being one of her friends early in our relationship, but come to find out it was way more than that....they crossed the intimacy line several times back when this was taking place.
I FIND IT A BIT WRONG TO KEEP THIS CLOSE OF CONTACT WITH AN OLD FLAME....WHAT DO YO THINK? She would go as far to say as "friends" that they'd meet in a hotel room to just talk (strictly NO SEX)....I'd say who meets in a room to just talk - you can talk via a phone call, over a cup of coffee, lunch or just sit in public and chat! Of course with this type of relationship going on no one in their right mind would meet in public right? Everyone knows what might or will happen if you agree to meet up in a room (as I tell her it looks a certain way) - She would go as far to say that in conversation she would tell him she was stressed with work and he'd offer a back rub (come on!) they then would end up on the bed with only their underwear on and just talk - That is absurd and just plain crazy I'd say...WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THIS? I told her to cut all ties or I'd get out....she saw the picture (I thought) - few months pass, Now it's with another co-worker....I'm getting a hair cut she drives up I go out to give her a kiss and say hello...as I'm leaning in for a hug & kiss she has the stench of cheap ass cologne and a red rose sitting in plain view on her passenger seat. I didn't say anything....I just said to myself she is up to her antics and shenanigans once again.
All I can think of is this is a game. She must thrive on attention and just doesn't know how to treat a man (one man!) I see these things as a way to get a rise out of me as I was still friends with my ex.....I have always remained friends with the women I dated, but I know where to draw the line! I never did anything behind her back...everything on my part was in plain sight and in her presence. Getting back to "Mr I lost my sense of smell" and rose guy - I didn't press to hard with this one just wanted to see how she would handle this situation. She kept him in close proximity....a call here and there (phone was still somewhat busy during the day at work???) a friendly text here and there (have a great weekend type of thing - no big deal) then I decided to pay closer attention and In picking her up one day at work on a Friday her cell rings and it's him calling to say he is at the lake fishing with his future father in-law......hummmm....who calls to say that? WHO????? Not to mention all the deleted phone calls from this bozo. I was at the right place at the right time or in her case the wrong place at the wrong time! Okay, we then hit the road for a short vacation after Valentine's Day only to come back to more crap! I again was visiting her one morning and noticed the bottom corner of her computer screen flashing but no sound (emails coming in) odd?????? Then on the next visit a few days later I simply asked if I could see her emails.....she agreed....as I scrolled down through I came up to his name and boom she hit the power button on the tower.
That was not a bright thing to have done! I asked her what she is covering up....after a minute I got it open again only to read that he is now addressing her on emails as HEY BEAUTIFUL plus she talked about our trip, our Valentines Day and some of our personal differences and admited to all the deleted emails on this email to him - DELETING LOOKS SINISTER TO ME!? She brought to his attention how I was oppossed to not wanting to open a joint bank account (totally not his business) she could have addressed that with someone who knew me that could really give her some insight about me...not some p**** passing judgment on me when he knows squat about me. I told her he's just the typical person putting in their two cents! WHAT DO YOU THINK? I would never address a friend of the opposite sex as HEY BEAUTIFUL, hand out a red rose (maybe a yellow rose) and be discussing our business with - Am I looking at this whole thing in the wrong way? I have just come to the realization that it seems like she needs the attention of a man!
The last straw was when she tried on a pair of her dress pants for work and asked "how does my butt look in these" - I said good they look ok. of course they were tight as all heck and accentuating her nice shape if you get my drift. Then as you may have guessed, she wore them the next day to work. When I asked why she would ask and then wear....she said she asked because she had a complex about her behind being big (it is as normal as the next...not too big nor small). Now I say why would someone wear something that would draw attention to that area if one had a complex about it.?.?.?. Bizarre! Unless it's just me - What is your view on this matter?
She has walked the straight and narrow for sometime now, but I have my doubts every now and then as she can be very resourceful. I will trust her for the sake of the relationship, but again I am in anticipation of the next! I know this may have been a bit drawn out for you to read - I just want to thank you for taking the time to go though it! Any advise you can share will be totally appreciated!!!
Emily's Take: I know there are two sides to every story and I've only heard your side but in my gut, I have a feeling that you are getting played. I also have a feeling that you know it but are so afraid of what life after this relationship will look like that you can't bring yourself to end the relationship.
I want you to ask yourself this: Do you think you can trust this woman? Do you think she will be the Mother of your children? Do you think a future with her will go the way you think your future marital relationship will go?
I think the worst part about your e-mail is the way that your girlfriend continues to rub her indecency in your face. No person that respects the relationship that they are in, goes to a hotel and gets down to their underwear with their ex. The fact that she admits that (and I'm sure there's more to the story there) just tells me that she is trying to rub other men in your face. I understand staying friends with your ex-boyfriends, I'm still friends with some of mine, but you know what we don't do? We don't meet in hotel rooms! I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than six years and I can honestly tell you that I have never, not once, thought about cheating on him with anyone. Not an ex-boyfriend, not a co-worker, not a good looking person on the street. No one. I think that's the way things are supposed to work in a relationship. When you are in a healthy one, your heart is closed to other opportunities and you don't go looking for anything else.
I think you deserve a better future than one filled with trust issues and cheap cologne. Imagine what happens when they get tired of paying for hotel rooms and you skip the gym and come home from work early. If your mind went to finding her in bed with another man and you think that could be a legitimate possibility, I think you already know you have to end it.
You've outlined enough reasons that I wouldn't trust her - being with nearly naked men in a hotel room, roses and cheap cologne, e-mails, texts, phone calls. That's just the stuff that she tells you about or that you've found out from. I'm guessing if you keep digging you'll find online dating sites or unravel more lies. You deserve better.
As far as life after this relationship, please take my advice and keep it a clean break. No phone calls, no e-mails, no texts. Block her number if you have to. She's already proven that she continues to communicate with her exes and I don't think that you are strong enough to not take her back. If you take her back you'll enter this cycle of break-up, get back together, and break-up. This cycle is not healthy and will just drag out the inevitable. Instead of that miserable cycle, keep your distance, cut off all communication, heal your heart, move on and find someone that deserves you. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. You'll find that after a month of no communication, you'll feel more like yourself and you'll be happier than you have been in a very long time. Ring the summer in single, and start with an optimistic heart. Good Luck!
Good luck J...and be sure to ask your own question to our panel of women here!